Afraid

All of my friends are a million times smarter then me.
14 AP classes
Subject tests
High ACT/SAT score
Lots of extra curricular AND jobs


then there is me.....
2 AP classes
No subject tests
a 490 on SAT and a 24 on ACT
and band


There you have it! I am not going to BYU. I can't compete with the competition.  BYU is like THE hardest school to get into. And no i am not automatically in because I am Mormon.... this maybe true for BYU-I. And no i am not automatically in because it's a private college, actually its the lest expensive private college out there    AND did i mention how competitive it is. That is right expect me to see again this time of year HCC.Discouraged.

Why I am, who I am

I wrote this easy for my dual enrollment class. I think it's pretty good:)

I feel that at such a young age I still have so much to learn.  I know that I am not yet the person that I will  be when I am on my death bed, neither am I the person I was when I first entered this world. As I reflect on my life thus far I believe that my learning disability, my parents and teachers, and choosing to making the best decision for myself have all shaped me into the person I am today.

That is right I have a disability.... It’s a Learning disability- which means I have difficulty receiving and retaining information. You may think “This gal seems relatively normal but not all disabilities are always noticeable like Down-Syndrome or Aspergers. I have been blessed to have a lot of advice-givers in my life and they have opened my eyes and helped see that I can overcome and out smart my disability. These certain people have never given up and don't let their disabilities hold them back. When I was first diagnosed it was a weight that slowed me down for a long time. But as I have grown it has become who I am. I was tested when I was about 8 years old. Basically if I don't write down every number in a math problem the numbers "fall off the table" and if I don't spend a lot of time reading I will never finish a book. When I read it uses 75 percent of my brain, I fall asleep often, which can be a challenge when it comes to school work.

One thing that my disability has taught me is to stick up for myself.  One particular moment comes to mind, the French final exam in 10th grade. I am usually the last person to finish, I still finish in the allotted time but I am ALWAYS the last one to turn my papers in. I was sitting in French taking our final exam and like I told you I was the last one to finish. Have you ever been trying to concentrate and all you could focus on was an annoying noise in the background. Well, the troublemakers of the class thought it would be a good idea to talk really loudly even though I was still working. My teacher told them to be quiet numerous times but you know how trouble makers are... Through the midst of them talking and making a ruckus every so often they flipped me the birdie and became ruder and ruder. By the last 10 problems one of the two troublemakers leaned over to the other and said, "let’s stare at her until she finishes.” Now if any of the other things they were doing didn't distract me before this sure did! I finally finished the exam with 30 minutes to spare. But when I stood up to turn it in I couldn’t let the moment of opportunity pass me by.  I said as boldly (and sarcastically) as I could "thanks so much for helping me with my dyslexia. I really appreciate the respect and courtesy you gave me.” and then sat down. But at the time I was really mad.

Dyslexia is a trial and hardship, but it is also a blessing. It teaches me to stand up for myself, patience, understanding, and humility. At times I can be ungrateful but try to be more grateful for what I have rather than what I don't have. I have learned that most of our infirmities are given to us to teach us something in this life. I know I have already been shaped by my disability. I am sure there is a lot more for me to learn.

My mentors have shaped me into how I am today. They helped me establish my virtues and helped me develop talents and strengthen my weaknesses.  The main mentors in my life are my parents; they have taught me everything I know about the world around me. My mom has a teaching degree and has helped me through long sleepless nights of 50 page reading assignments, as well as taught me the basics -to walk and talk.  She has always been a shoulder to cry on, and has never failed to let me down-she is someone anyone can rely on. My dad has taught me to work hard. He is the kind of man, that if there was not work left in the whole world, he would go in the backyard and started digging a hole-he would make his own work. He has taught me right from wrong and helped me ascertain the standards and values which I live by. One night when I was about 6 years old my mother, putting my sister and me to bed, was talking to us and told me “Don’t be so pessimistic.” I then proceeded to ask her what a pessimistic was and she laughed and corrected. “A pessimist is someone who always is negative, the opposite of an optimist who always sees the best in things.” Being the tenacious individual I am I told her, “I will always be an optimist from now on.” And I have. In fact I am one of the happiest people you will ever meet!

My parents have not been the only mentors in my life. I have been greatly influenced my high school band director Jason Allgair. He has cultivated my love for music, emotion, and people. He selected me as band captain my senior year which has taught me leadership, confidence and love. He continually teaches me about life-how to life and be happy. Not only has has been a basis of all the major decisions I have made thus far but it has reminded me that someone believes in me. 

About couple weeks into my sophomore year lots of things changed in my life and I had to start making decisions and being responsible. It was a hard thing to do since I practically lived my life around the saying; “I may or may not be indecisive. I haven’t decided”. On one particular day I ran into one of my really good friends from freshman year (who had since graduated). Now silly me thought we could pick up were we left off. I gave said person a really big hug. In return I got a half hearted hug back and a pathetic smile. And while small talk may have been considerate, it only seemed forced and awkward. I then realized that things change and that you can’t base your life around your friends because they won’t always be there for you. At the time my peers were changing and choosing their values. Almost like a game of manhunt, except I felt as if I was left in a team that includes me, myself, and, I.  The other team/teams tried to make me pick sides; choosing by who I like more, who was the coolest, who made the best grades etc. The only thing that was racing around in the little extra room in my brain is "why can't we be friends?" and although it may sound humorous, it wasn’t. It was actually how I felt. One team expected me to stab the other “team” in the back while in opposition the others wanted me to spy and get secret information from the opposing “team” leaders. Keep in mind I am only one girl and all though I may have had a little back up help from those how truly loved me, I had to fight that battle on my own. I began to face the inevitable and started picking sides. Then a ton of bricks came crashing down on me; I was left friendless, connectionless, without help; paralyzed.

When I made any decision, the problems I left began to haunt me like a ghost. Even though I made the best decision for myself it didn’t matter because I didn't do what everyone else wanted or expected.  In the end I was left in an even worse situation. From then on I stuck to my guns. If peopled didn’t like the standards I upheld in life-they left. I started being okay with it as well. I learned that the only way to make myself happy was to choose for myself. This has since been the basis of all my decisions in life and will be for the rest of my life. If it doesn’t make me happy I don’t do it, no matter what others say or do. It’s my life. I decide!

           

 I am dyslexic. I am a reflection of my mentors. I make my own decisions based on what makes me happy. And I am Carolyn Thornton.  My dyslexia, my mentors, and my choices have all molded me into the person I am today. Even though I feel I learn so much everyday, and am still learning, I know that these things have made me who I am today. It may not be the person I am when I die, but I don’t think much will change. I’ll just get wiser.